


I Bet It's Just So Much Better

by hellareyna



Category: SKAM Austin
Genre: Bullying, Childhood Friends, Elementary School, Gen, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kid Fic, Lesbian Author, Middle School, Pre-Season/Series 01, Siblings, friendship fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22552333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellareyna/pseuds/hellareyna
Summary: Shay and Tyler's friendship throughout the years; the ups, the downs, and the upside downs. Inspired by Boys Will Be Bugs - Cavetown.
Relationships: Shay Dixon & Tyler Nunez
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. If ladybugs are girls how do you make kids together?

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been working on this since September and it's now February. This is the first time I've ever written multiple chapters before posting. It is also the longest I've ever written before posting. This entire fic was inspired by me getting obsessed with the song Boys Will Be Bugs by Cavetown and then the song Devil Town by Cavetown. It sorta warped into me projecting a lot onto both Tyler and Shay but what's the point of underdeveloped characters if not projecting all your middle school trauma onto them. Work title and all chapter titles are lyrics from Boys Will Be Bugs!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shay and Tyler meet

##### September 2008

Shay Dixon and Tyler Nuñez grew up together. They were inseparable. They went on adventures and they had a million inside jokes. Tyler tricked Shay into saying bad words in front of his Abuela. Shay taught Tyler how to play mancala. Their afternoons were filled with bike rides through the parks and their nights were filled with sleepovers and secrets. Together they were just two weird kids ready for any adventure the world threw at them. 

Their first playdate wasn’t supposed to be an adventure. It wasn’t supposed to be anything. Instead, it was just an act of desperation, “Excuse me, Mrs. Nuñez?” Shay’s mother had asked an older woman standing with a boy in Shay’s class.

The woman turned to her mom and Shay felt embarrassed that her mom had to set her daughter up on playdates with strangers. She had changed schools after kindergarten and didn’t have many friends at her new school yet. It had only been a month since school had started. It wasn’t a problem for Shay. She was shy and she was totally fine with being alone at her scary new school.

“Yes?” The woman replied in an accent Mrs. Dixon couldn’t quite place.

“I'm Mary. Your son is in my daughter Shay’s class, correct.”

“My grandson, but yes they must be. I’ve seen you before at drop off. Tyler has told me about the girl in his class with beads in her hair and that must Shay.”

Shay’s mom smiled, “I was hoping you could watch my daughter this afternoon. I’ve seen you around our neighborhood. We just moved in over the summer. I’m sorry if this is too presumptuous of you, but I have been stretched thin lately at work, and her after school program isn’t open this week because of flooding and my usual carpool for her found another place, but it’s too far away and Shay would come home too late, and my husband, well…”

Mrs. Dixon was cut off, “Say no more. I can bring her back to our house every day this week. I’ve wanted another little one to occupy my time now that his siblings are getting so big.”

“Oh my God, you are a lifesaver. Thank you, thank you so much, ma’am.” She looked like she was about to cry in Mrs. Nuñez’s arms.

“Truly no worries”

“Here’s my cell phone number,” Mrs. Dixon scribbled a number on a receipt from inside her purse and handed it over to Tyler’s grandmother, “I can pick her up at six if that isn’t too much to ask of you. I know that’s dinner time for most folks.”

“When I say no problem I mean it. I know what it’s like to be stretched thin,” She embraced Mrs. Dixon and Shay saw her mother smile for the first time in a while.

Tyler and Shay glanced at each other as if they were suddenly developing the part of the brain that tells kids to be embarrassed by their family. They toddled off to their line and joined the rest of their classmates to go inside. Their day went about as usual. Tyler tried not to think about how the weird quiet girl was going to go home with him. Shay tried not to worry about going to a stranger’s house.

Tyler’s grandma walked the two of them home after school. Shay tried not to look at them. She didn’t like new people. As soon as she got into their house it smelled weird. She didn’t like other people’s houses because they didn’t smell like a home. 

“Well Shay, would you like a snack?” Tyler’s grandma asked her while Shay continued staring at the ground.

Tyler jumped onto the bench of a breakfast nook, “I want pretzels.”

“Now Tyler, what do we say, especially when we have guests?”

Tyler looked down at the ground, “Abuela, can I _please_ have some pretzels?”

“That’s better. Now Shay, do you want pretzels?”

Shay nodded and then sat down next to Tyler. She awkwardly ate while Tyler and his grandma talked about what had happened at school that day. She still felt so out of place. She wished she could go to her usual after school program but it was closed and the mom who drove her lived too far away. If only she was big and could be home alone. 

“Now how about you two go play,” Tyler’s grandma lovingly shooed the two into another part of the house, “Your brother won’t be home till late so you can go play in your room.”

“Ok Abuela,” Tyler shouted back as he led Shay down a hallway to his room.

Grown-ups seemed to think that placing any two kids together would always result in a friendship. Just because they were the same age didn’t mean they had anything in common. Shay didn’t need any new friends, she had her mom and her dad and that’s all she wanted. 

The two sat in silence in Tyler’s bedroom. Tyler’s presence wasn’t noticeable in the room's decor. She knew he liked to sing in music class and talk during storytime. That wasn’t much but it was enough to figure out that the football trophies on the dresser, shelves, and the desk weren’t his.

It seemed like his older brother had much more control over the room’s design. The only part of the room that seemed to belong to him was the bottom of the bunk bed. It had Star Wars sheets visible under the tousled red blanket and there was a stuffed dragon partially hidden under the blanket.

It still seemed more personal than her own room. In July, Shay and her mom had to move out of her old house because her mom didn’t like that the old house smelled like her dad. Her room still didn’t feel like hers. It felt like a hotel room and like any day now she would go back to her old room and her old house and her old school. Their new house was far away from all her old friends. They went to school without her now. 

She began fiddling with her shoelaces while the two sat in silence. Last year her dad taught her how to tie her tennis shoes. That was back when he still lived at home. Whenever she saw him now she showed him how good she was getting at tying her shoes, so she practiced whenever she could. She wanted him to know she was thinking of him even when they were apart. 

Shay didn’t get to see her dad very often anymore. He used to live with at home with her mom. Then one day they fought too much so he left. Now he lived in a fancy apartment in a tall building. It only had one bedroom and wasn’t as fun as _their_ house.

She visited him every other weekend. Every weekend she wanted to sleep on the couch on her own but she usually ended up falling asleep in her dad’s bed while they watched movies together. 

“Why do you call your grandma, Abuela?” Shay asked Tyler, to replace the silence.

“It’s in Spanish. I’m Cuban.”

“Oh.” Shay didn’t know what she had expected him to say, “I call my grandma Bitsy.”

“That’s silly,” Tyler noticed Shay’s shoelaces that she was still fidgeting with, “You can tie your shoes?” 

“Yeah my dad taught me last year,” Shay was very proud.

“That’s so cool. I still have velcro,” Tyler pointed to his Skechers.

“Yeah but yours light up. Mine don’t.”

“That’s true. I still wish I could tie my shoes. My sister calls me a baby because I don’t know how to do it.”

“That’s not nice.” Shay frowned, she thought big sisters were supposed to be nice to their little siblings.

“Yeah, well, sisters are mean.” He shrugged as if in defeat.

“They are?” She was shocked.

“You don’t have any sisters?” Shay shook her head, “Do you have a brother?” Shay shook her head again, “Well, I can be your pretend brother if you teach me how to tie my shoes.”

Shay smiled. That was easy enough. She had been tying her shoes for months now. As an expert, she could definitely teach Tyler.

It turned out it was not that easy. Shay had both shoes off and was trying to teach with one while Tyler tried to learn with the other. 

“I don’t get it. How do the bunny ears turn into a bow?” Tyler wasn’t understanding it yet.

“You just make two loops and then the bunnies kiss.” Shay groaned at Tyler’s utter incompetence in shoe tying.

“Ew, kissing,” Tyler whined as he attempted to tie Shay’s shoe and was once again, failing. 

“No, like this,” Shay tied her own shoe to show him, “It’s easy.”

“I just don’t get it when you do it super fast.”

“Well, I can’t do it in slow mode.”

“Can you try?” Tyler whined, “Please?”

“No,” Shay looked at him, “Are you being silly now?”

Tyler started laughing and then he tossed Shay’s shoe at her. She began to laugh too. It _was_ silly.

“Wanna go play in my backyard?” Tyler asked, looking for his own shoes in his bedroom.

“What do you wanna play?” Shay was still somewhat unsure of Tyler.

“I don’t know. Explore?”

Shay smiled, she had always liked to explore, “Sure!”

She quickly put on her shoes without tying them and ran into the yard with her new friend. They ran out into the yard and Shay was surprised how big it was, there were so many trees and bushes. There were flowers practically everywhere.

Tyler raced to a plant with giant white flowers that looked like pom poms. He started searching through the leaves as if he had left something on them. Shay stayed back, watching him search.

“I found it!” Tyler shouted, “Come over here, Shay!”

Shay walked over incredulously, unsure what he had found. Boys at her kindergarten had liked to explore by poking at dead birds. That was yucky and Shay hoped Tyler wasn’t that kind of boy. 

“It’s a ladybug,” Shay said, confused by the discovery.

“Yeah, he’s my pet. His name is Charlie.”

“You have a _boy_ pet ladybug?” Shay giggled at the irony. 

“Well, there must be some boy ladybugs too, because there has to be a mommy _and_ a daddy,” Tyler explained to Shay. It made sense to her so she nodded.

“How do you know it’s him?” Shay thought it was probably just a normal ladybug, not his pet.

“Well, he has special spots. I know it’s him because that spot is bigger than any of the others and it’s special.”

Shay noticed the spots and she nodded, “If he’s your pet we should make him a house.”

Tyler smiled, “That’s an awesome idea. I’ll ask my Abuela”

The two ran into the kitchen and asked Tyler’s Abuela for a jar for Charlie. She was confused, but she gave the first graders an old capers jar. In order for Charlie to breathe she complied with Tyler’s demand that they had air holes. Using an old nail she was able to create holes small enough that a ladybug would not escape. Shay and Tyler raced around the yard looking for leaves that would be good enough for Charlie’s home. They spent the rest of the afternoon perfecting it. 

They had dinner that was prepared by Tyler’s Abuela and the whole family all sat together to eat it. Tyler’s dad helped the two of them practice their spelling words. His big sisters liked Shay’s hair too and his mom even told her how beautiful she looked. Shay felt at home with a room full of strangers. She didn’t even whine when her mom called to say she couldn’t pick her up until seven.

Eventually, Mrs. Dixon came to get her daughter and Shay didn’t want to go. Just a few hours ago it had seemed like the end of the world. Now she never wanted to leave it. Her mom reminded her that Shay would see Tyler the next day at school and after school every day that week. Shay smiled and relented when her mom strapped into her car seat that she would usually have called babyish. Mrs. Dixon smiled, glad her daughter had found a friend.

Every afternoon from then on, while their parents were at work, Shay and Tyler played in the Nuñez’s backyard. Shay liked it better than her old afterschool program anyways and her mom liked that it was free and dependable. While they played Tyler’s Abuela stayed inside to help with whatever adventure the two could come up with that day. 

On rainy days the two of them created worm hospitals to save all the worms drying on the pavement. On sunny days they lifted every stone on the street to find the fattest pill bugs. The backyard was a place with infinite stories to be told and adventures to be had.

  
  



	2. Pretend it doesn't bother me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second graders Tyler and Shay go on another adventure.

##### March 2010

Tyler and Shay were searching for a green anole in the Nuñez backyard. It was a new adventure and they were the best explorers for the job. It was sunny and the two were taking advantage of the warmth of the early Spring day. They had learned about the animal in science class that day. Shay wanted to see if she could make one lose its tail. Tyler wanted to catch one for a pet.

They looked in the bushes. The branches scratched up their legs which were covered in mud but they persisted in the name of science. Shay tried to ignore the cuts on her legs because real explorers don’t need bandaids for tiny scratches. She gave up on her professionalism once the cuts started itching. The irritation caused them to bleed more and she stained her new tennis shoes. Tyler’s big brother, Ryan, helped her get bandaids for her legs. He didn’t love the interruption so he reminded his brother and Shay to stay out of the bushes or else. 

Tyler attempted to climb a tree, where he had learned that anoles lived in the wild. This was despite his tiny fear of heights. But he became scared that he was stuck and too high up and Shay had to run inside and grab his big brother to help him down. Ryan wasn’t exactly thrilled that his video games had been interrupted again and told the two of them to stick to solid ground because he wasn’t going to help them and Abuela wouldn’t be home for a couple of hours.

Defeated, Tyler slouched against the tree he had been trapped in just moments earlier and Shay joined him and groaned, “I bet they don’t even live in Austin, and if they do they’re super rare. I’d never even heard of an anole before science class today.”

“Well, my cousin Jessica told me she once saw four anoles at the same time when she went to South Carolina so they can’t be _that_ rare,” Tyler retorted.

“I bet she was lying.” Shay said, trying to hide her jealousy, “They probably don’t even have them there either.”

“Mrs. Ginger said they live all over the South and south is in the name of the state so they definitely do have them,” Tyler said as if he now had some authority over reptiles and their habitats.

“Whatever, I still think she was lying to you,” Shay mumbled, picking at the grass again.

“You’re just mad that we didn’t find one,” Tyler smirked at her.

“No,” She lied, irritated at Tyler’s persistence.

“Whatever, Tyler started chewing on his shirt sleeve. Shay thought he only did that when he was scared, or bored. Either way, she hated it. It was nasty and babyish. Now his sleeves would be all wet which was yucky.

“Stop doing that.”

“What?” He asked, completely unaware of himself.

“You’re chewing on your sleeve. It’s gross.” 

“So, what? I like gross things.”

Shay shrugged. That was a fair enough point. The two of them had just been chasing after a lizard. Earlier today, at recess, they had made mud pies after the spring rain. Last weekend they had attempted to make a stink bomb potion, but it didn’t work out as planned. They were both practically experts on all things gross.

“Shay?” Tyler was still chewing on his sleeve, “I have a question.”

“What?” Shay said not really asking but just confirming she had heard him.

“Do you know what gay means?” He spat out the question as if he was scared if he didn’t say it that second, he never would ask her.

The boys in his class had all decided that once they all started second grade having a friend who was a girl was _super gay._ Tyler wasn’t sure what that meant, but he knew it wasn’t good just by the way the boys said it. They said it like it burned their tongue to even let it pass their lips. Maybe it did, maybe it was a curse and he was evil. That probably wasn’t it. His mom said he had been reading too much Harry Potter late at night. She might be right.

He never even told his mom about the boys’ teasing so he didn’t even know how he could ask her. She must know, but how could he ask her without telling her that the other boys were using that word towards him. He didn’t want to worry her, she already had a lot going on with all his siblings. Stupid boys saying stupid words weren’t big enough to get her more worried. It didn’t even matter really.

Shay already knew how the boys were mean to him though. That was because they were mean to her too. They had an understanding. He could talk to Shay about anything because she understood everything. She was his other half. Some days it felt like they shared a brain.

“Why?” Shay asked, avoiding the question. 

She didn’t want Tyler to know that she knew something he didn’t. They had always done things together and if she knew more than him than they weren’t together. 

“Well today, someone told me that I’m gay because I have playdates with you. But he said it in a bad way and I _like_ playing with you so I don’t get why it’s bad. It’s probably stupid.” Tyler sounded confused like he was trying to explain the situation to himself, not Shay.

The other kids at school didn’t understand why a boy and a girl would spend so much time together. Most of the boys only had friends who were boys and most of the girls had only girl friends. Shay didn’t know why but the other girls who liked to braid their hair during snack time seemed like another species. She didn't know why the boys who played football at recess teased Tyler either, but she would rather dig for worms with her friend than become like them. They were so boring. They weren’t fun like Tyler.

“Who?” Shay deflected his question, once again.

“Huh?”

“Who called you gay, duh?”

“Carter,” Tyler looked down at the grass and began pulling at it, “He says it _all_ the time. Especially to me. Actually he _only_ says it to me, I think.”

“I think Carter’s so dumb. I saw him eating his boogers in gym class last week.” She changed the subject, knowing it would make Tyler smile.

“Really?” Tyler smiled.

“Yeah. It was so gross. He was even smiling when he ate it like it was the best food in the whole universe.” Shay said, making Tyler laugh.

Tyler got serious for a moment. Or at least as serious as any second grader can get, “I don’t care what Carter or anyone else says. I’ll never stop being your friend, Shay.”

“What if there are no more bugs to find? What if all fun things were illegal? What if we just have to stare at a wall and pick our noses, like Carter?” Shay played “the what-if game,” as she was eight and therefore an expert at that game.

“Even then.” Tyler smiled, happy once again.

“Tyler, I have to tell you something though,” Shay tried to sound super serious as she held back her giggles.

“What?” Tyler looked worried.

“I wouldn’t want to be your friend if all you wanted to do was eat your boogers,” She paused for effect, “Duh.”

The two of them fell into hysterics. Both had forgotten what they had been worried about just moments before. It didn’t matter because the world was allowed to be simple for now. At that moment, it was all ok. They were allowed to be simply themselves.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't live in the South but when I was in second grade I went to South Carolina and Texas to visit family. Both times my older sister and I spent hours chasing and playing with green anoles. Then in third grade, my class had pet anoles. Love those guys.


	3. And I do karate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Shay hang out at Tyler's house on a hot summer day. Tyler's older sisters help them have some more adventures.

#####  **July 2011**

“No, you’re doing it wrong.” Tyler groaned while Shay giggled at his seriousness.

“So it’s not like this,” She jumped into another position, “HI-YAH!” She screamed and karate chopped the air.

“No, it’s not at all like that. It’s a lot more serious than in the movies. You need to be calm.”

“Can’t we just play outside? I take it back, you don’t need to teach me karate.”

“No, we have to learn, or else you can’t be a ninja, like me.”

“Ninjas aren’t real, Tyler, and you definitely aren’t one.”

“Yeah, they are totally real.”

“Movies don’t count as real.”

Tyler groaned again and stomped away. He had just started taking karate classes at the YMCA and he wanted to show Shay. Her mom had been too busy to get her signed up in time, so she wanted to learn from Tyler instead. He had been trying to teach her all afternoon but she wasn’t taking anything he said seriously. He was so frustrated. She had brought it up to him but wasn’t paying attention.

Shay jumped on the living room couch and began doing the air chops again. This too was incorrect. Tyler decided to give up on his lesson and join her shenanigans. Now the floor was lava and they jumped from couch to chair to coffee table with a karate chop thrown in every so often for good measure. 

Tyler heard the door unlock and he froze. His mom would kill him if he was standing on the furniture. Shay saw his reaction and plopped herself down on the couch instead of standing on it, not wanting to get her friend in trouble.

“Hey, squirt.” 

It wasn’t his mom. It was just his sister, Lydia. The two friends went back to jumping around the living room, knowing sisters couldn’t really enforce rules. They usually helped them break the rules actually. 

Tyler’s house was so much more fun than hers. There were always lots of people around. He had two sisters, Lydia and Nora, in high school and his brother Ryan who was going into eighth grade. They always had friends over at their house. Something was always going on there. His grandma lived with them too. So did his dad. Sometimes Shay pretended that Tyler was her brother when they were together, but every night she ended up back at home with just her and her mom. 

“Hey, little bug,” She rustled Shay’s hair which made the younger girl giggle, “What’s happening?”

“I’m trying to teach Shay karate, but she isn’t getting it.”

“No. You’re just a bad teacher.” Shay shot back at Tyler.

“Ooh burn,” Lydia laughed at the two of them bickering, “You guys are like an old married couple.”

“Ewwwww,” They both shrieked in unison.

She laughed again. Shay didn’t understand what was so funny but she laughed too. If Lydia thought something was funny it was probably funny. 

Tyler’s oldest sister was the coolest person that Shay knew. She was in high school and she could drive and her ears were pierced twice. When Shay was older she wanted to be exactly like Lydia. 

“Ty, do you know where Abuela’s at?” Lydia asked as she started making a sandwich in the kitchen.

“She’s at the doctor,” Tyler said as he jumped from the couch to the armchair, “I don’t know when she’ll be back so don’t ask.”

“You guys want to go to the pool later?” Lydia inquired as she continued making the sandwich, “Me and Nora are going later and we can give you a ride if you want.”

Shay and Tyler glanced at one another. The neighborhood pool was one of their few escapes from the Texas heat, but it also meant seeing the kids from school.

They still had a month until fourth grade started and they would rather wait till then to have to deal with mean boys. Carter, of course, would be there calling Shay weird, but also his new friend Brennan who moved to Austin last fall and seemed to be a bigger and meaner version of Carter. They were both experts in making Shay and Tyler feel small.

The differences between the two of them and the other kids at school had become more noticeable as they grew older. It was easier to pick on those who have already stood out. The girl who didn’t like talking about the newest boyband and the boy who sometimes forgot to clean his nail polish off all the way.

“What’s that look mean?” She asked the two who were still both quiet.

“We don’t want to go.” Shay blurted.

“Why?” 

Tyler realized not wanting to go to the pool when it was 95 degrees out may be odd but he didn’t need to answer her, “Because.”

“You guys were being weird so I thought there was a reason. Geez, I was just being nice.” Lydia replied with a trademark teenage sass.

“Everyone at the pool is stupid,” Shay said not looking at either of them but instead picking at a thread on the couch.

“Am I stupid because I go to the pool?” Lydia sounded slightly offended.

“No, just Carter and Brennan,” Shay mumbled to Tyler.

“What did you say, Shay?” Lydia looked concerned.

Tyler and Shay glanced at one another again and then both said, “Nothing.” 

“Okay,” Lydia grabbed some juice boxes from the fridge and placed them on the counter for Tyler and Shay to grab, “Tell me about what’s going on here.”

The two ran over and stood in the kitchen drinking the juices but did not answer her. They avoided eye contact with Lydia who was now eating her sandwich. Tyler knew how hard she pushed when she wanted an answer. He hadn’t forgotten about the Christmas when she had found out about the iPod she was getting because he gave into her questioning.

Shay did not have any siblings so Tyler worried she wasn’t prepared for the intense questions a big sister could ask. Tyler swore his sister secretly worked for the FBI. She wouldn’t make it out of this alive. Tyler turned to look at Shay and he saw her break with just a glance from his sister.

“There’s this really mean boy in our grade and he’s been at the pool every time we have gone this summer and he’s so stupid and I hate him so much and we don’t want to go because he’s annoying,” Shay said in one breath.

Tyler glared at Shay, “It’s not that big of a deal, Lydia, we just don’t want to go to the pool. Geez.”

“Is he bullying you guys? Have you told mom? Did you talk to the lifeguards at the pool?” Lydia launched into big sister mode whenever she heard anything was happening to Tyler.

“This is why,” Tyler groaned, “It’s not that big of a deal. It’s fine. I’ve been dealing with it by myself for like forever.”

“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have been doing it alone.” She sounded concerned and Shay didn’t understand why that was a bad thing.

“Well, I did and it’s fine so just leave it be.” Tyler rolled his eyes and grabbed Shay’s arms as if he was about to pull her away.

“Okay, well just know that I care about y'all and that the offer still stands to come to the pool with me and Nora.”

“We heard you,” Tyler rolled his eyes at his sister again.

Tyler pulled Shay into his bedroom away from his sister and all her concerns. He would have left the house completely if it wasn’t in the mid-nineties. Shay sat down on her friend’s bed while he started looking for a book on his shelf.

“What was that?” Shay asked once they were alone.

“What?” Tyler said, preoccupied with his search.

“Why were you being so weird with Lydia?”

Tyler stopped looking at the shelf and turned to Shay, “Do you tell your mom about when the girls at school said you look like a boy? Or how Brennan made you cry when he asked why your parents didn’t come to family day?" She didn't respond, "Well, do you?”

Shay shook her head, “No, but that’s different. That’s my mom she already has so much to be worried about and it’s not a big deal, so I don’t need her to freak out. Lydia isn’t your mom. She’s your sister.”

Shay didn’t get it. She had always wished she had a sister to tell all her problems too. Tyler didn’t know how lucky he was with all his siblings.

“Yeah, but she’s a big sister. They’re like a second mom. If I told her that boys at school were stupid she would make a huge deal about it and tell my mom, so telling Lydia or even Nora means that my mom will know.” Tyler sighed, hoping Shay somehow understood.

“Okay, I guess. Do you tell Ryan about it?” She really _had_ misunderstood what it was like to have siblings.

“No, but not because he would tell my mom, but because he doesn’t care. All he cares about is being on his phone all the time and locking me out of our room,” Tyler rolled his eyes and sighed, “If I told him boys at school called me gay he would probably tell me they’re right.”

Shay frowned, “I don’t think that’s true. He’s always so nice.”

“That’s because you’re not his sister.” Tyler attempted to explain to his friend, “It’s not the same. It’s like big brothers have a rulebook where they have to be mean or something.”

“That sucks,” Shay groaned attempting to sympathize with him but not really understanding, “I still want to go to the pool though.”

“Really? Why? _Carter_ will be there.”

“Well, if Lydia is _really_ like a second mom then she can protect us. They won’t be able to be mean to us if your sisters are right there protecting us. It won’t be like last time when we were alone.”

Tyler smiled and nodded at Shay, “That could work, but you don’t have a swimsuit here.”

“Oh yeah,” Shay laughed at Tyler, “We’re so dumb. We had this whole argument and I don’t even have my swimsuit.”

“I’m sure we could stop by your house to get one.”

“I think my mom is still at work. It will be locked.”

“My mom has your spare key somewhere around here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, who else would have that key.”

Shay smiled. Maybe she didn’t have any brothers or sisters like Tyler did, but she had a different kind of family. Tyler was always there to protect her and it felt like his family would protect her too. Shay left to go find Lydia and tell her they changed their minds while he changed.

Lydia looked up when she saw Shay enter the kitchen again, “Are you going to tell me now what that whole mystery was about?”

Shay stuttered, she’d forgotten the questioning from earlier, “No. I was going to ask if you guys would stop by my house on the way to the pool so I can get my suit. Tyler’s changing now.”

“Oh, so you guys are coming now?” Shay nodded to Lydia, “Yeah, no problem dude. I’m pretty sure we have an extra key to your house somewhere around here.”

“Thanks.”

Despite all the hours Shay had spent at the Nunez household she still felt awkward around Tyler’s oldest sister. This awkward moment of silence was soon broken when they both turned to look down the hall because they heard Tyler shout. Nora must be home. 

“So, we’re all going to the pool?” Nora pointed at her brother who was now wearing blue swim trunks and dancing around the living room.

Lydia laughed, “Yeah, I thought I’d texted you about it. I didn’t know if the little ones were coming but I guess they are now.”

Tyler scrunched up his face, “Little ones?”

Nora ignored the comment, “Oh, my phone died.”

“You really need to get better about charging it.” Lydia scolded her.

Nora rolled her eyes at her sister’s condescending comment, "Whatever."

“Okay, so do you want to come or what?” Lydia continued, “I’m gonna leave in like fifteen minutes. If you want a ride you better be ready then, ok?”

Nora smiled, “Sure.”

Half an hour later the four of them were in the Nuñez family minivan and Lydia was driving them to the pool. Tyler’s family was known for many things, but moving quickly was not one of them. 

In the car, the older girls sang along to the pop songs on the radio. Tyler continued to explain karate to Shay in the back seat. She wasn’t really listening to him. It didn’t seem possible to concentrate when Lydia was around her. She was just so cool and Shay wanted to watch her every move.

“So raise your glass if you are wrong,” The two sisters scream-sang from the front seat, “In all the right ways, all my underdogs.”

Tyler looked mortified at his sisters’ joyous singing. Shay loved it and tried to sing along, despite not knowing all the words. He seemed to hate having siblings but Shay couldn’t imagine hating something like this.

They stopped in front of Dixon’s bungalow and Lydia helped Shay use the extra key and get inside. Shay led her to her bedroom where she searched for a swimsuit. She had only been to the pool once this summer and it seemed like she was getting bigger every day so she wondered if it would even fit her still.

Lydia pulled out a blue and white striped tankini top with ruffles along the belly from the drawer they were rifling through, “This looks perfect Shay.”

Shay scrunched her nose up, “I don’t know. I think it’s babyish.”

Lydia shook her head, “No, you’ll look beautiful, I’m sure. Besides, it will be much easier to use the bathroom while wearing this than in a one-piece.”

Shay laughed and agreed. She found the matching bottoms and had Lydia leave the room so she could put on the suit. The bottoms were a little bit tight, but the top fit her fine. There was a tie around the neck to keep it clasped and Shay couldn’t reach.

“Um, Lydia?” Shay asked through the closed bedroom door.

“What’s up Shady Bug?” She sounded so sincere.

Shay opened up the door to where Lydia stood in the hallway. She turned around before pulling her braids off her neck so Lydia could see. 

“Can you help me?” She tried not to whine.

“Of course.” and then Lydia quickly tied a bow and it wasn’t too tight or too loose and Shay felt just right, “So are we all ready to go?”

Shay looked down at her swimsuit and her flip flops, “I’m going to get myself a cover-up,” Lydia nodded and waited as Shay grabbed an oversized t-shirt from her dresser, “and I need a towel but I don’t know where my mom keeps extras.”

“Oh,” Lydia paused, “Don’t worry about that we brought extra in the car.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t we?” Lydia laughed and then grabbed for Shay’s hand.

They walked back out to the Nuñez minivan. In the car, Tyler and Nora were waiting with the AC and radio both blazing at full volume. 

“Glad to see you two haven’t killed each other,” Lydia joked as she got herself buckled into the driver’s seat, “I was worried you were going to torture him with your Glee CD.”

Nora rolled her eyes at her older sister and Tyler laughed. The rest of the drive was just as uneventful. The girls sang along to a Katy Perry song on the radio. Tyler attempted to explain his karate moves to Shay again. It was still unsuccessful. 

* * *

They parked and Nora hopped out of the car with Tyler not far behind, “Race you to the gate,” the older girl shouted as she ran ahead of her little brother down the pavement, leaving Shay behind with Lydia. She froze, suddenly remembering all her fears about the pool. How had Tyler convinced her to come here?

“Hey, Shay,” Lydia turned to the younger girl, now frozen, “I’m always here if you need anything you know. Not just today. I can be like a surrogate big sister or something, a stand-in when you need it.”

Shay nodded. She wasn’t exactly sure what Lydia meant by that. It still made her feel better though. Tyler may have been born with three protectors in his siblings, but Shay could have one too. She just wanted to feel safe when the world was scary.

“Thanks, Lydia,” Shay gave the older girl a hug which made Lydia laugh and Shay felt safer again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my ladies who realized later in life that they had a crush on their best friend's older sister!!! Also, I never promised a consistent posting schedule and for me, this is pretty close to one so hey let's celebrate that.


	4. Ain't that how it’s supposed to be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fifth Grade Shenanigans

##### December 2012

Growing up meant that the gap between them and the others grew as well. The others never understood Tyler and Shay and Tyler and Shay never understood them. In fifth grade, when Abigail kissed Carter at her birthday party (that neither of them had been invited to) the whole grade was abuzz. Shay didn’t understand any part of it. The next day during her art class she asked a girl in her class, Phoebe, about it.

“I don’t understand why they would even want to kiss. That’s for high schoolers.”

Phoebe rolled her eyes as she rolled out a leg for her clay cow sculpture, “You’re such a baby. Don’t you have crushes? What do you think people do when they both like each other?” 

Shay shrugged, unsure of how to respond because she hadn’t ever really thought about it. Crushes, to her, weren’t really all that important. Girls in her grade whispered to each other in the cafeteria about boys and whether or not they were cute. She just stayed with Tyler making up stories. She didn’t care about crushes.

But all she actually said was, “I’m not a baby.”

Phoebe just rolled her eyes at her and went back to her clay. Shay began poking her monster with a skewer. She hoped her teacher didn’t care if her animal was imaginary. 

After school, Tyler and Shay were hanging out. His Abuela was making them dinner while they were attempting to study for their Friday spelling test. She was writing “manufacture” ten times like her mom had taught her. Tyler was writing a sentence using “recruitment” like his teacher had told him. They weren’t talking, just existing in his bedroom, in peace. 

“Did you hear that Abigail and Carter kissed on Saturday?” Shay asked, really wanting to know Tyler’s views on the matter.

“Yeah. Dylan told me while we were waiting outside before school started.” Tyler didn’t look up from his notebook. 

Shay continued working on her spelling practice. She was unable to guess how Tyler felt, but she wanted to know if he thought it was super weird too. Was Phoebe right? Did everyone else kiss or at least want to kiss and she was just a baby? That couldn’t possibly be true. She wasn’t the only one.

She didn’t want to start an argument or make him uncomfortable. That would be the worst thing she could do towards her best, and only, friend. She didn’t even really care about it. It was just an annoying girl who kissed a jerk at a dumb party. A dumb party that the entire grade had gotten invited to, except Tyler and Shay. And Poonam.

“Why do you care? Do you have a crush on Carter?” Tyler looked up from his paper at his friend, “Remember how he used to pick his nose and eat it?”

Shay was startled. She didn’t think Tyler would assume she liked Carter. How could he ever even think that? Carter had been a jerk to Tyler since kindergarten. She would never like a mean boy like that.

She stuttered slightly, still confused by the accusation he made, “No. I don’t like him”

“Sure.” he sounded unconvinced by the nervousness in her voice.

She rolled her eyes, “I just think it’s really weird that people our age are already kissing. We’re still in elementary school.”

“Yeah but in,” Tyler paused at counted on his fingers, “nine months, we’ll be in middle school. My brother told me that when he was in eighth grade there were people having sex _and_ smoking cigarettes _and_ drinking alcohol.” Tyler proudly showed off his knowledge of all things mature just because he had older siblings.

“That’s disgusting,” Shay said, not entirely sure what sex actually entailed or why anyone would want to be having it.

He shrugged, “We should just get used to everyone else going to parties and kissing while we stay at home playing with bugs still.”

Shay frowned, “I haven’t played with bugs since I was nine.”

“Yeah, you have. You were collecting cicadas last summer.”

“That wasn’t playing,” Shay rolled her eyes and groaned, “That was an experiment. I wanted to watch how long it took for them to shed their shells.”

That wasn’t exactly true. She had also designed a town using leaves and rocks in her backyard for the cicadas. If they weren’t happy then they wouldn’t act normal and shed properly. Being almost eleven didn’t mean she wasn’t allowed to have fun anymore.

“Carter’s such a jerk. I would rather kiss a cicada than him.” Tyler said.

“I would kiss a million cicadas if it meant I never had to see him again,” Shay said groaning in disgust at the mental image of kissing Carter.

“Today in gym class he threw a ball at my head when I was tying my shoes. I told Mrs. Garcia, but she said I should just play the game and stop worrying about what others are doing.”

“That’s so stupid. He could have hurt you,” She paused, “Last week he called me a lesbo because I was singing a One Direction song and I didn’t change the words about girls.”

“That’s so dumb. It’s just a song. It doesn’t mean anything,” Tyler said, attempting to be supportive of his friend.

“Yeah,” Shay said, unsure of whether she agreed with Tyler or not.

“Why do you think people kiss?” Shay wondered aloud.

“What do you mean? Because they like each other I guess.” Tyler answered, hesitant.

“I guess, but I like you and I don’t kiss you.”

“That’s different. We’re just friends.” Tyler sounded unsure of what Shay was insinuating.

“But I like you more than any other person in the world,” Shay said, afraid of the words coming out of her mouth.

“Do you have a crush on me?” Tyler asked Shay, with a joking tone to hide the arising worry at what that would mean for them.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I even get crushes. But, you’re the only person in our grade I like at all,” She thought for a moment, that wasn’t exactly true, “Some of the girls are nice, but I don’t like any other boy but you.”

“I don’t think that’s a crush, Shay. We’re just friends.” Tyler said with a roll of his eyes at her naivete.

“Yeah, you’re right,” She scolded herself, “Sorry I was being stupid.” 

“You’re not dumb. I like you a lot too,” Tyler quickly changed topics, “Want to see a meme?”

Shay nodded, needing a distraction from herself. Tyler grabbed his iPod Touch and pulled up the YouTube app.

“Here,” He showed Shay a video of a cat jumping off a bed as funky music played.

“What? That’s not a meme.” Shay said, confused, “Memes are those photos with words on them.”

“Whatever. It’s a funny video. Just watch it, ok?” Tyler said, defensively as he pulled up another cat video for them to watch.

They watched another video where a cat chased a laser pointer and then ran into a glass door, “Okay, that’s a good one,” Shay conceded to Tyler through laughs.

The two watched cat videos for a while until they remembered the long-forgotten spelling homework. They decided that autocorrect was the way of the future anyway and then went back to the cat videos until dinner time. 

Ryan kicked them out of the room after dinner. Apparently now that he was in high school he couldn’t study when elementary kids were present. Tyler and Shay became bored with cat videos, but they still didn’t practice their spelling. They instead played Just Dance on Tyler’s Wii.

“I don’t know how that wasn’t a perfect score,” Shay whined after yet another 4-star score on Beautiful Liar.

“You were perfect,” Tyler, hyped her up, knowing they both deserved five stars.

Tyler’s mom walked in the door, home from work. Her son raced to give her a hug that she graciously accepted. Shay looked at the time on the clock above the living room’s TV. She had completely lost track of time.

“Oh shoot,” Shay mumbled, “My mom’s gonna kill me.”

“Don’t worry honey,” Mrs. Nunez said in her classic maternal tone, “It’s only a little after six. It’s not the end of the world, she knows that you’re here.”

Shay nodded, unsure. Her mom hadn’t called but she might still be worried about her ten-year-old daughter not being home on a school night.

“You’re staying for dinner right?” Tyler asked his friend while Nora helped her mother set their dining room table.

Shay looked at Mrs. Nunez for an answer. She knew what she wanted but she had already been here for almost three hours. Nobody wanted to deal with another person’s kid more than necessary.

“Of course Shay can stay. I love to have more girls around the house. Especially with Lydia away at school. I need you to keep the balance.” Mrs. Nunez smiled at Shay.

Tyler made a weird face, “How is it balanced if Abuela is here but dad isn’t?”

“Your dad will be home soon Ty and then you can get your precious gender order.”

They all had dinner together as a family. And also Shay was there. They were the closest she knew to a normal family with a white picket fence to match but they still weren’t hers. She would still go home to her quiet house with just her mom who was too overwhelmed by the hospital to even give her a call. Then she might get a text from her dad if she was lucky. 

Her old schedule of visiting him every other weekend was something of a distant past. Now that he had remarried she was lucky to see him once a month. He lived in the same city as her but they could have been galaxies apart.

“Any plans for the break, Shay?” Mr. Nunez asked his son’s friend.

Shay looked up at him from her plate of rice. She had forgotten where she was, lost in thought. 

“Well on Christmas I’m performing in the pageant at my church and on New Years I might go to see my dad.”

Tyler giggled, “A pageant? Are you Miss. Texas now? Tell me when you get your spray tan I wanna see!”

Nora smacked the back of her brother’s head, “Don’t be a jerk, you idiot”

“It’s like a play at the church. About Christmas.”

Mrs. Nunez was now glaring at her children, “Are you playing any particular part?”

“No, I’m just part of the choir.”

“That’s lovely.” Tyler’s Abuela said with a smile.

At church, Shay could pretend everything was fine. Her mom made her get all dressed up for it. Then, every Sunday morning they would be upfront and singing all the hymns so that God and all the angels could hear. It was a consistency in her life. The bread would always taste bad and she would always get a little sleepy towards the end and everything would be okay.

After dinner, Tyler and Shay continued to try and get five stars on every dance on Just Dance. Nora joined in and had them do one from some TV show she liked. Shay thought it was weird but Nora seemed to really enjoy it. Shay preferred the songs she already knew. It was easier to dance when she wasn’t laughing at the weirdness of the song.

Suddenly, it was almost eight o'clock and Mrs. Nunez asked the kids to turn off the video games. Shay gasped to herself. She hadn’t realized how quickly time had passed. 

“Do you want a ride home?” Mrs. Nunez asked Shay who was now looking for her backpack.

It was dark outside. This was reasonable, but Shay knew she had overstayed her welcome as she always did at their house.

“No thank you, Mrs. Nunez. I can just walk home.”

She nodded, “Alright Shay. Please make sure to call me when you get home safely."

Shay promised she would call and then grabbed her sweatshirt and backpack. Shay knew she would not have a good excuse to her mom for why she hadn’t finished her homework. It probably wouldn’t help to just remind her that autocorrect was obviously the way of the future. Her walk home was then spent scheming how to get her mom not to ask about her homework. 

In the end, it didn’t matter. Her mom had fallen asleep on the couch after coming home from another long shift at the hospital. Shay didn’t have any questions to answer from her, but she wasn’t relieved. She called Mrs. Nunez on her home phone to tell her she was safe. She attempted to finish her spelling homework, then she showered, and went to bed. 

She forgot about how much she worried about what Phoebe said as she laid in bed that night. Only because she was too busy wondering why her mom had never called to check why she wasn’t home yet. Did she just not care? The silence of her house consumed her. Times like this reminded her of just how much she loved the sounds of Tyler’s house. Tonight though, the noise of the cars passing by soothed her as she drifted off and she pretended her mom had fallen asleep to those same sounds.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Considering I've been in social isolation for the past two weeks I have absolutely no excuse for not posting this sooner. I hope all of you are safe and healthy. Hope this makes quarantine easier in some small way. And if you're reading this in the future, remember covid-19 lmao... yikes.


	5. Punch the wall and stay out at night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's eighth grade and life fucking sucks

#####  **February 2016**

One night the two of them were eating popcorn and watching old Disney movies that they thought were too babyish. Sometimes they caught the other smiling genuinely at the songs about adventure and romance. Really, they were just coexisting in Shay’s bedroom. And ignoring the new Dixon house rule of an open door when boys were over. 

Tyler was trying to paint his toenails with a set that Shay’s aunt had given her for Christmas. She either hadn’t thought about Shay’s interests or was hoping to make her more of a lady. Shay was trying to successfully toss a piece of popcorn into her open mouth. The movie played some dumb song about a girl dreaming to go far away from whatever horrible life she had now.

Watching the princess in the movie have her whole world fall apart with the loss of one man made her laugh. One person can’t mean that much to someone. Maybe it was being a child of divorce, but she never saw love with one person as all that important. The only person she relied on was herself. And Tyler. He was there for her and had been for as long as she could remember. 

After the movie was off the two were laying in her room, hoping nobody heard them whisper. Talking about dumb things and gossiping about the week’s events in eighth grade. 

“Want to hear something stupid?”

Tyler scoffed, “Well with an opener like that how could I refuse.”

She rolled her eyes, “So today in English, Phoebe brought in a birthday cake for Mr. Cruz. And it was really good. Like so good. She said her mom made it but unless her mom’s literally a baker I don’t believe it. So anyways, I was eating it and I like basically moaned into it. It was that good, and I said, ‘I want to marry this cake,’ and apparently that dick Ethan heard me and he said that that made me a lesbian. That makes no fucking sense.” 

Tyler started cracking up, “What does that even mean? Does he even know what lesbian means? Fucking idiot.”

Shay joined his laughing as to ignore the thoughts pushing from the back of her head, “How does liking cake make you gay? Like does all cake suddenly have a vagina?”

“Ew,” Tyler screeched between laughs, “Now I have _that_ image in my brain.”

Their laughter faded and they just sat in silence. The dark began to consume Shay’s bedroom as they hadn’t thought to turn on the lights as the afternoon turned into evening. It all seemed too perfect a moment and like their life was some coming of age movie. Side by side but the only noise was the thoughts inside their heads.

Shay was still stuck on the movie’s ending. A man would never be her dream because no matter how she squinted while looking into the future there was no man. Probably another symptom of “child of divorce disorder.” Tyler wasn’t an actual man though. He was only in eighth grade. He was just a Tyler.

“Will you promise me something?” Shay sounded serious.

“Anything.” He said, trusting Shay more than the thoughts in his own head.

“You’ll never be like the other kids. You’ll never be an ass. You’ll always be there for me.”

“I’ll be there for you until all the bugs in my backyard are gone,” Tyler said, probably smiling in the dark.

“Even all the beetles?” Shay said poking Tyler in the side, laughing.

“Those fucking beetles will outlive us all.” He paused, remembering the summers they spent trying to catch the big black beetles that would inevitably pinch their fingers so they could get away.

“That means you can never leave me,” Shay fake taunted her friend.

“I could never leave you,” Tyler said in a serious tone that Shay had never heard.

Shay rolled her eyes, Tyler could be so dramatic. But in the dark, lying next to her, he couldn’t see her eyes. And she didn’t say anything. She let her silence be her response. Maybe he would understand that she also believed that they were invincible. It had been Tyler and Shay against the world, since they were six. He wouldn’t leave her deserted now. He had comforted her through her dad moving out and stood by her through all the bullies. She was an idiot to believe Tyler would ever leave her for anyone else.

In six months she would be in high school. She knew high school would be better than now. People had to be getting better as they grew up. Everyone around her seemed to be devolving into bullies so maybe that wasn't the case. Girls fought and spread rumors and boys punched each other and hurled the meanest names at one another. Shay wanted everything to stay the same as a time she couldn’t quite recall. 

Shay had wanted to lay a few more moments just on the floor, thinking. It was a Friday night and she might be able to convince her mom to let Tyler sleepover if he slept on the living room couch, another new house rule. Tyler sat up suddenly, breaking their peace in the dark. 

Tyler’s face glowed as he smiled at his phone screen in the dark, “Shit. Sorry, Shay my mom just texted. I gotta go home like now.”

She looked over at her bedside table, “It’s not even eight. I thought your curfew was at 9:30 on weekends?”

“Yeah, well, she’s mad about that math test I failed.”

“You failed a math test?” Why hadn’t he told her that, she wondered to herself?

“Yeah, it was no big deal.”

He got up and Shay followed him to the front door to see him out. As usual, he gave her a hug goodbye, but he seemed jittery. It was like he was more excited to leave than spend time with her. She felt as if a beetle was beginning to burrow in the back of her brain as she saw him leave without any texts telling his mom, “just five more minutes.” He cycled away, towards his own house. 

Shay watched the nightfall from her window. On a Friday with nothing to do she decided it was better than sitting in her yard on a chilly night. She felt lonely but this would not be forever. In eighteen months she would be in high school she remembered, Shay smiled, imagining how many new friends she and Tyler would have with so many more students outside of their neighborhood. 

Then, while staring out her window she saw Tyler Nunez. Her best friend, who had just told her he was going home, was biking down her street, illuminated only by the street lights. And he was going in the opposite direction of his own house. He had lied to her so that he could leave her. Why did he lie, but more importantly where was he going?

* * *

Weeks had passed since Tyler lied to her about his mom’s text. Since then, he had been on his phone half the time they hung out, checking for something. She never had anyone else to text besides her mom and him, so she had no idea who he could be texting if they were already together. He texted his sisters who were away at college fairly often, but he once said he preferred face timing with them because they were usually too busy to respond to his trademark incessant texting. 

Tonight they were sitting side by side on Tyler’s bedroom floor trying to study for their constitution test the next day. Well, at least that’s the excuse they had for still hanging out at eight o’clock on a Wednesday. Shay was rereading her textbook while Tyler was doodling what he believed to be the ultimate guide to memorizing the Bill of Rights. The two of them were content but Shay’s thoughts began to wander as they often did lately.

“Do you ever worry that nobody else will ever understand you?” Shay asked, unable to focus on all the powers of the senate.

“I understand you.” Tyler sounded slightly confused but he didn’t look up from his paper.

“Exactly. What if you’re the only person in the whole world who doesn’t think I’m a weirdo?”

Tyler stopped his scribbling to look at her directly, “There are 7 billion people on this fucking planet. We’re a lot less unique than we think. If you can find a friend who loves you then you can find another person who will love you.”

“I didn’t say, love. I just said understand me,” Shay said defensively.

“I think they’re the same thing. Being understood and being loved.”

Shay wanted to say that was the cheesiest thing she had ever heard and that he was watching too many Disney movies. There were so many things that Shay wanted to tell him but that she didn’t. He was the only person who understood her and if she said what she really felt and he no longer understood her then she would be truly alone. Tyler wasn’t like that though. He didn’t judge her. They were invincible, she remembered.

Tyler jolted up from a sudden buzz in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and smiled as soon as he opened up the screen. A twinge of jealousy pulled at her as she remembered he must have other friends now while she only had him. Presumably, that’s why he had lied to her in February because he had other friends he was going to hang out with that weren’t her. It’s not like Tyler smiled like that because of texts from his family.

“What are you looking at on your phone?” Shay asked, trying to sound casual, not looking up from the page she wasn’t reading.

He scoffed and went to grab his backpack across the room, “Who are you, my mom?” His voice faltered in confidence despite the epic comeback.

“No.”

“Then why do you care?” He threw his notebook into his backpack and turned to her.

I’m worried. You’ve been acting weird lately.”

“No, I haven’t,” His voice was faltering again and he stayed on the other side of the room, avoiding her eyes, “You’ve been acting weird, not me. Why are you always acting so fucking existential lately?”

“What do you mean?” Both of them were avoiding the question, she realized.

“You keep asking me if I’ll always be there for you. You’re always acting really needy. Are you on your period or some shit?”

Shay stayed silent for a moment but eventually spoke with a raised voice, “That’s so fucking rude. Stop being an asshole, Ty.”

“I’m allowed to have a life outside of you. Stop being such a bitch,” Tyler’s face dropped, aware of what he had just said.

“Sorry, Tyler. Sorry, for being interested in my friend. I was just curious about who you were texting. You don’t need to be such a dick all the time,” She was nearly screaming, “You’re all I have and I wanted to know who you were talking with on your goddamn phone. Is that too needy? Am I being too bitchy for you? Fuck!”

It was suddenly silent. Tyler stayed quiet for a long time, unsure of what to do with his friend’s anger. They both didn’t move for fear that the air was still sharp with screams. What felt like hours passed without any movement or sound. Tyler was looking at Shay who was picking at the carpet.

Slowly, Shay stood up and grabbed her backpack and put her textbook in it. She left the room with a slammed door. She tried to act like nothing was wrong when she said goodbye to Tyler’s mom who was washing dishes in the kitchen.

“Bye Mrs. Nunez! Thanks for dinner,” She tried to hide the shaking in her voice as tears fell down her cheeks.

She grabbed her bike standing in the driveway. No words had been said between them. Strangely, she didn’t feel bad about how she had just treated Tyler as she biked home. He had made his choice and if he was going to be a dick that was his own prerogative.

The next day at school Shay ignored her friend’s waves. She sat with girls from her first period English class during lunch time instead of him. One of them, Megan had been in her math class earlier in the year but then Shay had moved up to green, smart people, math. Megan was still in blue, average, math and she liked to tease Shay about her genius brain when they saw each other in English class. They had had a few classes together in sixth and seventh grade, but they hadn’t talked much till this year.

Shay had known Abigail, another one of the girls, since first grade. She wasn’t her favorite person but she wasn’t as intimidating as she had thought in elementary school. There were a few other girls that Shay didn’t know also sitting at the table.

The girls seemed happy to have Shay sitting with them in the cafeteria. Megan giggled at all of her jokes about their teacher Mr. Eckhart. Abigail complimented Shay’s earrings. The awkwardness of her presence went away quickly and Shay soon felt comfortable. She hadn’t been comfortable around that many girls in a long time. In fact, she hadn’t been comfortable around that many _people_ in a long time. 

She hardly even thought of Tyler the entire lunch period. He was off of her mind for what was possibly the first time since they were six years old. She hadn’t even looked around to see who he’d managed to sit with that lunch period. 

Finally, it was seventh period. Typically she rejoiced upon seeing Tyler in her art class, they chose to take the same elective every semester, but today her stomach ached. She left the cafeteria and her ease of conversation with the girls melted away and was replaced by bees in her stomach. Her entire afternoon was back to back Tyler. Art then history then P.E. She didn’t know if she could stomach the two hours together. 

She walked into the art room and sat next to the teacher. Never in a million years would Tyler choose to sit next to the teacher. Even if it meant finding out why Shay was ignoring him, he would never do it. If he wanted to talk to her he should apologize, she knew she was mean too, but she wasn’t going to apologize first. That meant he would keep doing what he was doing to her. He wouldn’t tell her why he was being weird if she gave in. She also wouldn’t know if she stopped talking to him.

Tyler walked in right before the bell rang. He breezed past Shay, not even stopping to glance at her. She smiled to herself, of course, he would ignore her if she was near the teacher. Then she frowned. Her friend she had known since she had fat cheeks and a mouth full of baby teeth was sitting next to Carter. 

Carter who had tortured the two of them in elementary school was now sitting next to her best friend in the world. This is a terrible nightmare but she couldn’t feel this angry from a dream. She was awake but her life was just as horrible as her fears. Why was this happening?

“Hey, Shay!” Abigail sat down next to her, “I totally think I’m going to finish my still life painting today. How about you?”

“Probably,” Shay mumbled, unsure of why Abigail decided to sit down next to her, one lunchtime together didn’t usually translate into a friendship.

Abigail continued talking. She was glancing across the room, clearly distracted by something and not paying attention to the paint she was overmixing on her palette. Shay followed the other girl’s eye line. She was looking at Carter who was laughing with Tyler. Why was everyone at this school suddenly obsessed with that asshole?

“I’m really glad you decided to sit next to me actually,” Shay was confused, Abigail had sat next to her but she listened, intrigued, “What’s up with you and Tyler? Like, are you guys dating?”

“What?” Shay was shocked at the assumption.

“You guys are like always sitting together I just assumed you were dating and you were mad at him or something today so that’s why you weren’t together at lunch.”

“Tyler and I have been friends forever. We’re just friends.”

“Sure,” Abigail sounded unconvinced, “I don’t know how you could be just friends with him. He is _so_ cute.”

Shay rolled her eyes and said sarcastically, “It’s a struggle.”

Abigail continued, either ignoring or unaware of Shay’s sarcasm, “Like his eyes are so pretty and I just think he’s so cute. Do you have a crush on anyone?”

Shay thought about how seeing Megan this morning felt like seeing an angel come to save her. And how whenever Megan joked with her, her heart skipped a beat. Whenever Megan greeted her with a hug she never wanted to leave it. She remembered how when she first met Megan in sixth grade during science, she couldn’t speak clearly. She thought about all of this for a moment but didn’t say anything.

“No, not really,” She said, “the boys in our grade are all pretty gross.”

“Yeah I agree, but Tyler is really sweet.”

Shay scrunched her eyes. Tyler was a great friend, occasionally, but he was definitely not sweet. Abigail definitely did not actually know anything about Tyler. 

“Not really,” Shay said trying to stay polite but not wanting the girl to be deceived.

“Aren’t you guys friends?”

Shay mumbled something that could sound like either a yes or a no. She did have a friend named Tyler but he didn’t call her a bitch and he certainly didn’t sit with people like Carter during class. It felt like the world had turned upside down and left was right.

“Well, I think he’s pretty cute. His hair is just so adorable and his jawline is so good. That’s like super important.” Abigail went on to describe how Tyler looked just like an actor Shay had never heard of on a show Shay didn’t care about. 

When the bell rang and Tyler was packing up to go to history with her she walked up to him. Perhaps he would realize they had both overreacted. It would all go back to normal. She was tired of those girls and he must be tired of Carter already.

“Hey Ty,” Shay said, casually, as if she hadn’t just been waiting for him to pack out outside the classroom. 

“Hey, weirdo.” Tyler avoided eye contact and walked beside her to their history class.

“Hey, dork. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry about yesterday. You’re allowed to be friends with other people even if they’re Carter and his minions,” She laughed to ease the tension she had created.

“Minions? Really?” Tyler glared at her, “I’m allowed to have other friends. 

“Really is that what you call people who’ve called you fag since first grade,” Shay tried to keep her voice calm but her anger was rising quickly.

“Carter’s not like that at all,” Tyler stopped walking in the busy hallway, only to be shoved by a taller boy, “You’re just prejudiced.”

“No, your new besties are,” Shay again tried to hide her disgust, “All his friends are creeps and you’re fucking blind if you can’t see that. Why would you want to hang around someone who puts up with people like Ethan?”

Tyler seemed annoyed, “Some of us have more than one friend, Shay.”

Shay’s heart dropped and thus any attempt to hide her anger that was now boiling, “Fuck you, Tyler. I hope you and your new friends have fun being close-minded.”

Shay sped off to history class, trying to forget that Tyler would be there too. She tried to avoid looking at the door waiting for Tyler to come in the class. Maybe he was too busy, catching up on calling random sixth-graders faggot, to be in class. 

He arrived about thirty seconds after the bell rang to indicate the five minute passing period was over. There was a certain something about the way he walked in that made Shay almost sick to her stomach.

“I hope all of you studied your derrière off,” Mr. Jones joked as he handed out the tests to each of the students, “Because I take this constitution test very seriously.”

Shay’s stomach dropped. Last night, after getting back from Tyler’s house she had been too busy feeling guilty to continue studying. She had studied all last weekend. This was stuff she already knew and it was basic stuff. Her nerves wouldn’t win this. 

As soon as she looked at the test on her desk her head began to spin, “Mr. Carter, may I go to the bathroom?”

“Miss. Dixon, you know the rules, as soon as tests are out no leaving the room unless there’s an emergency.”

Shay groaned and got to business filling out the freebies first, ignoring her anxiety. There are 100 members of the senate. Obama is the president. Ted Cruz and John Cornyn are the Texas senators, unfortunately. She knew this shit. The questions were getting harder but she knew there were 36 representatives from Texas in the House. She wasn’t completely useless. She could do this.

By the time she turned in her test, she had almost forgotten about Tyler. Then she walked back to her desk and saw his face. She avoided his eyes and just reminded herself she was mad at him. The anxiety pulsed in her until she left the room and all the tension the two of them had created. She didn’t know what she was doing. Maybe she couldn’t do this. 

Her leg shook as she waited for the bell to ring. As soon as it rang she would race to the locker room. Seeing Tyler would make her sick. She didn’t want to think about what would happen next. She didn’t want to think about him or the way he laughed with Carter. She didn’t want to think about how much it hurt.

She didn’t change for gym class. She walked into the gymnasium in her jeans and a sweatshirt. 

“Miss. Dixon, I don’t know why you think you’re exempt from the dress code.” Her gym teacher Mr. Lobo asked as if he had been specifically trained to interrogate teenage girls.

“Um,” She already had the excuse in her back pocket, “I don’t feel so well.”

“Well, exercise can help you feel better, now chop-chop.”

“No. My stomach hurts. From like lady issues.”

He looked uncomfortable, “Um, well that’s a totally different story. How about you go to the nurse and get some medicine? That sound good?” He wrote her a scribbled note.

She walked to the nurse’s office. Her head was hanging low. She was ashamed. This was a coward’s way out. 

When she walked into the office she mumbled something about cramps. The nurse handed her a heating pad. Shay sat on a bed in the back of the office with it turned on to avoid any suspicion. Her stomach did hurt. That part wasn’t a lie. And as she wiped her eyes with her sweatshirt sleeves she realized her eyes had been watering as well. Maybe she was sick?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is literally no worse time in a person's life than junior high/middle school/whatever you call it. High school wasn't great for me but I always reminded myself at least I'm not in junior high. Proof? That cake exchange was based on an actual conversation I had in sixth grade.  
> I hope this chapter made sense, and as I said last time I hope all of you are doing well in quarantine if you're reading this in the present.


	6. Boys will be bugs, right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eighth grade sucks pt 2, ft long talks on a playground and Catholic guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever but unlike most my multichapter fics I actually finished it! I hope you all enjoy it! (tw homophobia and more explicit bullying than past chapters)

##### April 2016

It had been a month since she had fought with Tyler. They hadn’t spoken since that afternoon after their art class. Every day she saw Tyler laughing with Carter during class and playing with the other boys during gym class. How could someone who had only a month ago been her person suddenly be a stranger to her?

At her new table with the girls, Shay poked at her plate that was supposed to have tacos on it according to the “Taco Tuesday” sign at the front of the cafeteria. It looked and tasted more like assorted mush. She glanced, jealously, over at Megan’s lunch from home. Shay always said her mom never had the time to make lunches so she just bought them. The other girls didn’t understand why Shay didn’t just make it herself. Shay didn’t either.

“My mom says we might go on a trip to New York,” A girl, who had a name Shay was sure she knew, said.

The school year was over in just a few short weeks so the girls were all discussing their summer plans that sounded a lot more exciting than her own.

“That’s so awesome, Kerry!” Megan said with her classic cheery smile, “I’ve always wanted to go to New York.”

Kerry! That was it. Shay scolded herself for not remembering the name of a girl she’d attended school with for almost three years now.

“I’m going to dance camp but it’s not sleepaway like the camp I went to last year.” Abigail said, “Megan, you should ask your mom to sign up for it. That would be so cool.”

“Omigod, yes. I would love that.” Megan replied with her bright smile.

“What about you Shay?” Abigail asked, “Any big summer plans.”

“Not yet,” Shay said not wanting to admit that she was probably going to have to apply to be a counselor at her church’s Bible camp.

“You should sign up to go to the dance camp too! That would be so fun!” Abigail squealed.

“I’m not sure,” Shay mumbled knowing she was actually very sure she was not going to that camp, “We’ll see.”

Suddenly there was yelling on the other side of the lunchroom. The girls all turned over to see one of the eighth-grade boys’ tables erupting. There was shoving and pushing and shouting. Shay thought she saw Tyler, but it was hard to make out any faces of the boys at the table. He sat at _that_ lunch table now, but she could never imagine him getting in a fight at school. He couldn’t have changed that much already just because he’s friends with Carter. She could imagine Ethan and Brennan doing that, but never ever Tyler. 

“Why are they fighting?” One of Abigail’s friends stage whispered to the other girls.

Megan mumbled and poked at her pasta, “Because they’re boys, and boys are dumb.”

Shay smiled at Megan’s comment. Then she saw Tyler clearly and she stopped smiling. The boys were pushing him as he sat at the table and none of the teachers seemed to be acting fast enough in breaking up the commotion. Or maybe everything was just moving in slow motion.

A lunchroom monitor finally intervened and pulled the boys off Tyler. Another teacher ran into the cafeteria and began telling kids to get back to normal, nothing to see here. It had felt like an eternity to Shay before anyone came to help. 

The boys were all still fighting even as the teachers tried to tear them off each other. Shay saw Tyler, and he was on the ground, on his hands and knees. It looked as if he had been pushed down there, off his chair. Nobody ever really chose to be on the ground of a middle school cafeteria. His face looked red, but not like a blush. It looked as if he had been crying just seconds before.

“That’s enough, boys I said that’s enough,” Shay’s art teacher Mrs. O’Reilly raised her voice at the other boys in order to get them away from Tyler.

He hadn’t gotten off the ground yet. Mrs. O’Reilly spoke softly to him as if he was a baby deer. He eventually got up but he didn’t look up. The two left the lunchroom together. The other boys remained and the cafeteria was quiet as they all stared at one another, unsure of what to do now. The boys went back to eating, one reprimand seemed to be enough punishment for humiliating Tyler.

“What the hell was that?” Abigail said she looked at them as if to gauge how she was supposed to feel.

“That was so crazy,” one girl, Phoebe, Shay wanted to say, said.

“Maybe it’s because he’s gay,” Kerry said.

“Omigod, he’s gay?” Abigail gasped.

“Yeah, he’s like _so_ gay.” Kerry said with a roll of her eyes, “Are you freaking blind or something?”

“I’ve like always a want a gay best friend,” Phoebe said, still too excited seeing as what just occurred.

“I bet he has a crush on Dylan. He is _so_ cute.” Kerry gushed.

“Shut up Kerry. You’re only saying that because _you_ have a crush on Dylan.”

“Well at least he _is_ cute,” Abigail smirked, “You have a crush on Brennan and he looks like an orangutan.”

Phoebe gasped and the girls began laughing at their friend. She quickly retaliated and slapped Kerry, who was beside her, on the arm, and then Abigail stopped laughing. They seemed to be able to turn any topic into a chance to fight.

Megan stayed silent despite the quarreling. 

“What do you guys think happened?” Abigail asked as if Tyler being kicked to the ground was just a juicy piece of gossip that they had all gotten a front-row ticket to watch.

“He fucking got hurt. That’s what happened,” Shay was angry that nobody was saying what needed to be said, ”And we should go check on him or find out if he’s okay. Stop acting like this is some cool gossip.” 

Shay stomped away. She got all her trash and threw it away. There were still ten minutes of lunch left and she technically had to stay but she was too angry to be here still. 

She ran into the bathroom and sat down in a stall as she attempted to calm herself. Her heart was still pounding and her. Stuff like that didn’t happen here. Kids didn’t get beaten to the ground. It couldn’t happen here. If someplace like school wasn’t safe for Tyler what would that mean for her? School had never been particularly safe for either of them but that was just with words. Sticks and stones had never appeared in the bullies’ toolboxes. 

If she was terrified just having seen Tyler what was he feeling. She could not imagine. Her breath was still unsteady and her palms wouldn’t stop sweating no matter how often she wiped them on her jeans. She knew she had to find Tyler. If the teachers had grabbed him he must be waiting in the office for his mom to get him or to talk to the principal or the social worker. It started getting harder to breathe again. She needed to find her friend.

She saw him through the glass walls of the school’s main office. His back was facing her, but she still attempted to hide in the hall.

Tyler seeing her would be embarrassing but a teacher catching her could mean detention. His mom rushed into the office. She looked flustered, still in her scrubs. Then Tyler gave her a hug. His body collapsed into her despite him being nearly her height now, he looked so relieved. The two turned to go into the offices behind the front desk. She thought she saw him cry, but then the bell rang and she booked it for Art.

Tyler never came to art class. Shay was worried. It all felt so messy and confusing to her. She sat next to Abigail as she had for the past couple weeks, but today Carter sat next to Abigail too. That made sense to her because Tyler wasn’t there for him to talk to, but then she realized. He had people to talk to in class prior to last month when Tyler joined him.

“Where did you go during lunch? You just like disappeared?” Abigail sounded irritated at Shay.

Carter began shifting uncomfortably as if he already knew why Shay had left. Shay glanced over Abigail, at Carter. He looked so much less evil than she once believed him to be. It was never that he some diabolical boy. He had just been young and ignorant.

Still, he must have had something to do with Tyler crying in the cafeteria today. People don’t start crying in front of the school for no reason. Especially people as tough as Tyler. Guilt lingered in the back of her head. Why had she prioritized being on time to elective overseeing whether her friend was okay? She could have done so much more instead of sitting here in class listening to Abigail whine.

“I just had to pee,” Shay replied to Abigail, trying not to glare at the girl who totally knew the real reason.

She was hoping to end the conversation. Everyone didn’t need to know how worried she was about Tyler.

“For ten minutes?” Abigail looked over at Shay.

Shay froze at the accusation, “Uh, I’m on my period.”

Carter’s eyes widened.

“Ew, Shay. TMI much?” Abigail practically gagged at the other girl, then glanced at the boy beside her, “Sorry Carter. Shay’s like socially deficient or something.”

Shay rolled her eyes at the two of them. She went back to her painting and tried to tune the two of them out. It was difficult because one of them had the answers she had been looking for, for months and the other was the nosiest person in the grade. She listened for clues. It felt like a game she would have played with Tyler. But it wasn’t a game this time, and Tyler wasn’t there to play it with her.

“So, Carter, any plans this weekend?” Abigail asked in a way that Shay guessed was her attempt at flirting.

“It’s Tuesday,” Carter said, looking at Abigail as if she was an idiot.

“Still,” Abigail said, again attempting a flirty tone, “What’s happening? Are you too busy being cute?”

Shay cringed at the other girl. It was hard to hear how normal they all felt when it had felt like the entire world should have flipped upside down after a boy, her friend, was kicked to the ground just an hour before. Instead, it was all the same and that was worse than a world upside down. 

“Um,” Carter mumbled, “I had plans, but I’ll let you know if they change.”

Shay knew what that meant. It meant that he had plans with Tyler but he didn’t know if they would still exist now. Now that he had stood by while his so-called friend was beaten up by his other friends. Shay was angry with him, but she hadn’t done anything either. She had no right to be angry at him. 

“Oh, well you have my Snapchat right?” Carter nodded, “So just make sure to message me if anything changes.”

Shay rolled her eyes and was glad when the bell finally rang. She hurried to clean up and put away her painting. For the first time in weeks, she raced to History class hoping to see Tyler. He needed to be okay. 

But he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there in P.E. either. She didn’t see him outside of the building after school let out either. She did see Carter and she considered asking him. He must know what happened to Tyler. They were friends and he was there. She felt too angry to talk to him, so instead, she watched him walk away and lost her chance.

* * *

Tyler wasn’t at school the next day either. Shay wasn’t surprised. The two of them had endured a lot of teasing over the years, but that was the worst she had ever seen. If it had happened to her she wouldn’t ever go to school again. The entire school saw him close to tears. That had been the worst part. You could never let them see you cry. 

* * *

On Wednesday Shay’s mom was home early so they were able to have dinner together for the first time that week. She tried to have a family dinner with the two of them at least once a week. The rest of the week Shay was left to scavenge for herself with ramen or store-bought meals. Tonight, her mom didn’t seem to notice that her daughter looked practically numb as of late. Instead, she was cheerily making steamed broccoli and a store-bought lasagna. 

“Why haven’t I seen Tyler around? I’ve almost forgotten what he looks like.”

“I don’t know,” Shay mumbled at her mom’s attempt at a friendly dinner conversation.

“Did you two get into a fight?” Her mom sounded concerned.

Shay pushed her broccoli around with her fork. This was the last conversation she wanted to have today. Seeing Tyler like that had hurt. If she hadn’t ignored him like she had been, maybe it wouldn’t have happened.

“He wasn’t at school today. I don’t really know what’s going on with him.”

There was another moment of silence between them. The noise of silverware on plates filled the void.

“Some people aren’t worth losing, while others aren’t worth losing sleepover. Growing up is learning how to distinguish that.” Mary pointed out to her daughter.

“What about you and Dad?” Shay said, looking up at her mother now. 

She was scared of how her mom would react. They didn’t talk about things like this. Ever since Shay had mastered the bus system there wasn’t even the biweekly drive to his high rise for the two of them to acknowledge. 

“That’s not the same. Sometimes you fight too hard with someone in the hopes that you won’t lose them but in the end, all you do is fight. We didn’t know what we were fighting for anymore.”

“What if we’re like that? What if our friendship had an expiration date? It might just be over and we shouldn’t fight over nothing.”

“Have you actually fought for it, or even talked about it? Or did you just stop talking and not try to do anything to change it?” She looked at her daughter hoping she was giving the advice she had once needed as a young girl.

Shay thought for a bit and went back to her broccoli. She hadn’t really been fighting for Tyler. She let him get eaten by the monster and now she might have lost him forever. This fight was not worth seven years of friendship. Especially with what had happened in the lunchroom the day before. 

She shouldn’t be abandoning a friend in need. No matter what he said, she had promised him she would be there for him forever. They had promised each other that. They couldn’t give up on a small fight. This couldn’t be the end for them. And it wouldn’t be.

* * *

During these past few weeks of silence between Tyler and Shay, they hadn’t walked home together. It had taken a couple of days for Tyler to stop waiting for her and it had taken a week for her to notice. She had acclimated too quickly to this new life without her other half. 

After the conversation she had with her mom last night she knew talking to Tyler may be hard but it needed to be done. Today. 

Lunchtime was her first opportunity to actually see him but he wasn’t there. Someone must know if he had missed a second day in a row. Shay glanced around at the table of girls who had so easily dismissed Tyler’s pain just a few days before. The day before she had decided to ditch the lunchroom and get some extra help from her math teacher that she didn’t actually need. Today she had hoped to see Tyler, but no luck.

“Hey,” She racked her brain for the name of the girl sitting across from her, “Kerry, you have English with Tyler Nunez right? Was he in class today?”

“Yeah, me and Megan both sit next to him and oh my god he has this huge bruise on his face from that fight it’s so crazy. He’s _so_ brave. I really think we should like, give him a present or something.”

Shay didn’t know if she should be glad that he was at school or angry at Kerry for treating him like a zoo animal.

“That isn't true,” Megan rolled her eyes, “He isn’t bruised, at least not on his face, but yeah he was in class. I get why he wasn’t there yesterday. That fight was fucked up.”

“If I got beat like that in front of the whole school I would fucking drop out,” Phoebe said, dead serious.

“You can’t drop out. You’re 13,” Kerry replied.

“Yeah but like if I could I totally would. You can’t come back from something like that.”

Shay glared at Phoebe, who decided to shut up.

“He was in Spanish with me. That was third period and he looked fine to me, just a little dazed. That’s so shitty what happened to him.” Abigail filled the silence, finally with something useful to Shay.

“It’s not surprising though.” Phoebe started speaking again despite Shay’s continued glaring, “I was snapchatting with Brennan last night and he said it was all because Tyler is gay.”

“See, I told you,” Kerry sounded proud of herself.

Megan didn’t look so sure, “I don’t think you guys should be going around starting rumors like that.”

“It’s not a rumor if it’s true,” Phoebe pointed out as Kerry and Abigail laughed.

“Either way it’s none of your business.” Shay tried to steady her voice so as not to show her anger. She couldn’t let it show.

“Okay,” Phoebe gave Kerry a side-eye as she spoke to Shay, “chill it’s not like we’re making fun of him. I think it would be cool if he was gay. I love gay people. Like Troye Sivan.”

“Oh my God I love Troye Sivan,” Abigail cooed.

The girls went on to talk about the pop singer that Shay didn’t care about. She zoned out. She was tired of fighting and she was tired of pretending with these girls who didn’t care about her.

He didn’t appear by the end of the lunch period. Then she saw him at the beginning of Art class, sitting alone. This wasn’t the place to have the conversation she needed to have. Too open. She wanted privacy to explain everything she felt about their friendship. Carter sat by him. They didn’t talk to one another but Shay could see a tension between the two boys. She let him be.

He was in history class staring off into space as Mr. Carter showed another Ken Burns film. It wasn’t the right time then either. She needed the perfect moment and she needed time. He wasn’t in P.E. but that was pretty easy to skip so it didn’t mean he had left early. He was probably hiding out in the library.

She knew she still needed to see him, so she walked home using his usual route. Looking for him while trying to avoid the puddles that had been accumulating the past week was easier said than done. Eventually, she saw him about fifty yards in front of her and began racing to catch up with him while jumping to make sure her tennis shoes didn’t get too wet.

“Hey, Ty!” He didn’t seem to notice so she yelled again, “Tyler!”

He kept walking, picking up his pace.

“Tyler Nunez, you better stop walking right now, I swear to fucking God.”

He froze but did not turn around to face her. She began to run and caught up to where he stood waiting and he turned to her. She looked up at him and saw his face that looked pained, but not bruised.

The two walked in silence together. They reached a playground they used to play at back in elementary school. Shay began to swing lazily on the swing set while Tyler leaned against one of the poles and kicked at the damp wood chips. 

“Tyler, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t do anything on Tuesday during lunch. I froze. I’ve been such a shit friend lately. All because I was dumb and petty over a tiny argument.”

Tyler was quiet and continued to kick at the ground, “It’s fine.”

“No, it isn’t. I shouldn’t have let those guys who are supposed to be your friends do that to you. I wish I had stood up for you and I’m really sorry.”

“You were just protecting yourself from getting bullied by them.” Tyler sat down on the swing next to her, “That’s not dumb.”

“I don’t think they would have beat up a girl. I could have at least gotten a teacher for help or some shit like that.”

“That would have made everything worse. You don’t know them like I do,” He sounded exhausted.

“Yeah, you clearly know them so well if you got yourself in a situation where they beat the shit out of you,” She spat, unable to hide her anger at Tyler for being so stupid. 

He glared at her, “I thought you were supposed to be apologizing, not insulting me.”

“I _am_ sorry. But I am also confused why you were suddenly BFFs with a guy that’s been calling you gay since like second grade. It doesn’t make any sense. What the hell happened to you Tyler?”

“I’m stupid that’s what happened. And I hate that it’s not even something I can control. It’s like I can’t stop being stupid.”

“What are you saying?” She asked, “Stop being so fucking cryptic.”

“Like you don’t already know,” He groaned, “Everyone knows and I feel like such a fucking idiot.”

“I don’t know, sorry. Not everyone understands why you would waste time with guys who treat you like shit.” She was frustrated, apologizing was never easy especially not when people weren’t making any sense.

“Like you don’t already know,” He kicked harder at the ground, “I really tried to block everyone out at school today, but that was impossible. I heard Abigail and some other girls talking about how I’m so brave. I didn’t know that rolling up into a ball and wanting to die was brave but then I got it. And what I hate the most is that their rumors weren’t entirely inaccurate.”

“They did say that at lunch. I told them to stop, but I guess it was beyond my control.”

“Who would have thought getting kicked in front of your entire school counted as coming out,” Tyler laughed but his voice cracked like he was holding back tears, “Fuck.”

“So what they said is true?” Shay asked.

“I like Carter,” He looked around the park as if he was afraid someone was watching them, but it was abandoned in the rainy afternoon, “like really like him. That part is true. I don’t know what else you might have heard, but it’s true that I’m a fucking idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot.” She attempted to comfort him but he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“Don’t tell me that like you didn’t just make fun of me for befriending guys that say fag more often than they use deodorant.”

“You said it not me,” Shay smiled at Tyler’s bluntness.

“Well just because I can make fun of myself for being a dumbass it doesn’t mean that you can too.”

“We’re friends. That’s what we do.”

He finally met her eyes, “Then why haven’t we been acting like friends lately?”

“I was so afraid of losing because I didn’t know who you were talking to on the phone while we were together. You would disappear sometimes. I didn’t want to ever lose you. You’re my best friend and now I feel like I don’t know you because you like someone that’s been torturing me for years.”

“He’s not evil and I was only texting him.”

“You don’t get it. You had this totally separate friendship from me that you wouldn’t tell me about. You weren’t telling me anything and I was terrified.”

“Am I not allowed to have secrets?” His voice stumbled as he tried not to scream.

“Not when they make me feel like I’m going crazy,” Tyler looked at her, confused, and she continued, “Tyler, you were texting people and not telling me who and getting angry. Then out of nowhere, you were friends with guys that had been bullying us for ages. It felt like my reality was falling apart.”

He began kicking at the dirt again, “But you left me too.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You avoided me and went to them after we had that fight over something stupid ”

“That’s not fair.” She struggled to defend herself, “I was friends with them before all _our_ drama. Megan and I get along really well.”

“They may say they’re your friend now, but there’s no way they wouldn’t do the same thing if they found out about you.” Tyler’s voice shook as he spoke.

“What are you talking about?” Shay stuttered.

“Nothing. Never mind. It’s none of my business.” He brushed it away, “But just think about how they treated you. How they treated both of us.”

In second grade Abigail and Phoebe teased Shay because she didn’t wear a dress to their class concert. They said she looked like a boy in her dress pants and a polo shirt. She tried to look girly the next year for their class concert so she wore a pink dress. They only teased her more for looking so awkward.

In fifth grade, Phoebe told Tyler that he was in the wrong line when she stood with the other boys during gym class. He tried to speak up for himself, but the teachers only told him to get over the joke. 

Last year, before the seventh grade spring formal, several girls had asked Tyler to the dance. When he had said he was going with Shay as his friend they were all disappointed because they wanted to go to a dance with, “a guy that would dress up and actually have fun.” Tyler and Shay both ended up not going to the dance. The final straw had been her homeroom teacher looking straight at Shay as she read that the girl’s dress code is a calf-length dress and dress shoes. Several of her classmates had laughed at that.

She finally spoke, “Being a bitch isn’t the same as beating someone up, and you still fucking left me dude.”

Tyler hung his head low, “I know that but.”

She interrupted, “Then why were you with them and why did you lie to me? Just answer me already”

Tyler looked offended, “I told you already. I just wanted to be around Carter even if we were just friends. I knew you would hate me if you knew the truth.”

“So?” Shay really didn’t get it, “How could you put yourself in a position where you were around his friends? That seems dumb if you knew their track record/”

“I thought we weren’t going to call me dumb?”

“I’m not. I’m just confused. You knew what they were capable of before you began hanging out with them.”

“I’ve been going to church a lot this year because my mom really wants me to get confirmed and I know Abuela does too so I’m just going to do it. I don’t really think God is real but I know it will make them both happy.”

Shay just listened. She had already heard the arguments he had had with his mom about this topic but she still listened. There was a silence because she didn’t say the unspoken words about how Tyler feared any day would be his last he could spend with his grandmother. They both just knew. She knew how much he loved her.

“So anyways while I was in my confirmation class look who decided to show up but Carter. I was originally really pissed because I already felt dealing with him five days a week was too much and now I have to see his stupid face on the Lord’s day. That was September and I spent three months hating him until I realized I had no reason _to_ hate him,” he saw her face, “Seriously though, the last truly terrible thing he said to me was in fifth grade when he called me gay for wearing pink socks. That’s not even that bad. He was just a dumb kid. In fifth grade, I thought Glee was a good show. We all do stupid things at that age.”

Shay thought and despite how cruel she remembered Carter being when she was younger he probably was just repeating whatever he heard at home. That wasn’t an excuse for being a jerk, but it was an explanation. In fifth grade, she had a crush on Harry Styles and that had certainly changed. It really had been years since he said anything mean towards the two of them. That didn’t mean his friends weren’t jerks though.

“Well, what about Brennan and Ethan and Dylan? Are they suddenly good little Catholic boys too?” She was still skeptical.

“No, but when he’s not around them he’s different. He’s sweet and he loves his mom and his little sisters. It was easy to like him.”

Tyler had a far off look in his eyes. The more Shay thought about all this the harder it was to stay mad at him. He hadn’t done anything wrong other than believe the best in people. She shouldn’t hate him for that. She couldn’t even remember what they had argued about all those weeks before.

“I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry I kinda implied you deserved it because you liked him.” She knew neither of them were making any sense but this situation didn’t make any sense.

It didn’t make sense that they’d somehow known since the first day they met eight years ago that they were both different in the same way. Something had pulled them together. Call it fate, destiny, or Mary Dixon. Their friendship was not worth losing. They both knew that truth.

“I didn’t abandon you for new people. I hope you get that. I already was friends with Carter. I was just hiding it from you. Then when you got mad at me because, well, because I was texting him I thought I didn’t care what you thought.” He finally looked up at her, “But I do care what you think because you’re my best friend Shay. I love you, dude.”

Shay’s voice cracked, “I love you too.”

“I know you want to know what happened. How it all escalated because even though they are dicks that fight really was out of the fucking blue.”

“You don’t have to tell me that. I don’t care.” She lied, “It’s not anyone’s business.”

He rolled his eyes, “The rumors were kinda true. I tried to block everyone out at school today, but that was impossible. I heard Abigail and Phoebe and Kerry talking about how I’m so brave. I didn’t know how rolling up into a ball and wanting to die was brave but then I got it. Didn’t realize this counted as coming out.”

The air left the space between them for a moment and then he continued, “They did beat me up because I like Carter. But it wasn’t his fault.”

I told him about my feelings on Sunday night. We had been texting all day. We were joking about the Confirmation class that we had in the morning. Then we kept on texting. I was nervous about it. I had him play twenty questions. I asked him if he thought a girl had a crush on him. He said that he thought Abigail probably did but he didn’t like her back. That had been a tiny relief to me. He asked me if I thought any girls liked me. I knew that if he was asking that he was almost giving me a way out.”

“You’re so much braver than me,” Shay commented.

“Not really. I kinda took the easy way out, doing it over text instead of face to face. That sounds way scarier. I don’t think I could do that.”

“Well, you’ll have to do it face to face eventually. It’s not like this is going to be the last time you do this.”

“Yeah, I know.” He kicked at the dirt and continued, “I told him that I didn’t think any girls liked me. He asked me another question. He asked me if I liked any girls. I told him that he was cheating. I had to ask him something. So I asked him if he would still want to be friends with someone if they were gay.”

“Shit, that’s bold. Is that how the conversation ended?” She could never be that bold.

He shook his head, “He said he would. Then he asked me if I was and I said yes. He was pretty chill, he just said okay. But we didn’t keep playing the game. I think he got that I was just doing it so I could tell him about me. He didn’t bring it up again or anything like that. He wasn’t weird about it on Monday at school either. I don’t think he realized that I’m not just gay but I also ya know… have feelings for him.”

“If he was so chill, why did he tell the other guys? He should have known that would turn out badly.” She was still frustrated. 

“He didn’t. At their soccer practice Monday night Carter gave his phone to Brennan so he could call his mom. I must have texted him at that exact time or he just went out of his way to be a dick. He opened up all our texts. He read _all_ of it.”

“How do you know that? Are you sure you’re not just making things up to protect Carter?”

“He’s not exactly a criminal mastermind. He straight up told me that he read all our texts the night before and then he promptly beat me up,” He kinda glared at her, “Also last night after total silence since it happened, Carter texted me. He apologized again and again. He said he had no idea that Brennan was doing anything other than calling his mom.”

“Fuck, what did you say when he apologized?”

“I didn’t even reply. It’s all just shit. I’ll just live in this hell for a few more weeks till graduation.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“Think about everything we’ve ever dealt with from everyone at that school. This isn’t the final straw. That happened a long time ago. It’s something worse than that. I’m scared to walk in the halls and I’m scared to go home because I don’t want all the questions and I was scared to talk to you.”

Shay just looked directly at him, “I’m sorry that this happened to you. I’m sorry that this has been happening to you. We’re not supposed to be dealing with this shit. I’m fourteen. I can’t even drive a car or go to the doctor alone, but I’m expected to attend a school where I don’t feel safe and if people treat me badly I have to figure it out on my own because teachers probably think it’s my fault for not acting right. That’s not right. We don’t deserve this.”

“Do you really think it will get better?” Tyler wondered aloud.

“Maybe not, but if we don’t keep going we won’t get to find out.”

“Fuck, that’s deep,” Tyler said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Shut up,” She was trying to be genuine if he would just let her, “I’m trying to help you or something.”

“I know, but sometimes it all feels like too much. Being an actual human with like a million things happening at once is so exhausting.”

The two sat in silence. Shay knew that Tyler was being vulnerable right now but she wasn’t ready just yet to open up like that. He knew enough. He’s known her long enough to know what had been inside her head this past hour or so, she’d lost track of time

Tyler stood up from the swing he had been sitting in and turned to Shay, “I’m going home. You coming with?”

She nodded, even though she was unsure of whether she was ready to go back to being friends so quickly. In the few blocks they walked to his house, she held her breath, nervous. It wasn’t till she walked inside the Nunez house could she exhale. The sounds and smells reminded her she was home. A month and a half had felt like an eternity. She took off her shoes and backpack and softly placed them at the front door as if she was scared they might break. 

“Mom, I’m home,” Tyler shouted to what appeared to Shay, an empty house.

“Tyler Robert Nunez, no call, no texts, and now you come home an hour late,” Mrs. Nunez shouted but as soon as she turned a corner and faced Shay and Tyler, her face softened, “Shay, how are you? How’s your mom doing? It’s been too long since you’ve been around. I’ve missed you.”

Shay felt another weight be lifted and she smiled back at Mrs. Nunez, “I’m good. My mom is good. I’m excited for high school.” 

“Why don’t I go get you two something to eat?” She didn’t wait for a response and she returned to the kitchen.

Tyler plopped down onto the living room sofa and Shay sat beside him, no longer feeling as though she must be careful. She looked around at the room that she had only recently feared she would never see again. Everything was the same. It felt like nothing had changed.

Tyler pulled out his phone from his backpack, “I’m going to text Carter back,” he spoke just loud enough so that Shay would hear him but his mom wouldn’t.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

“What should I say?” He spoke softly and he looked afraid like one text would make or break everything.

“Just be honest. Do you blame him? Do you forgive him? It’s up to you.”

He nodded and quickly typed out a message and then Shay heard the notification that meant he had hit send. Now they had to wait. 

Mrs. Nunez walked over to the two of them and they both tensed up, “Here’s that snack I promised,” She placed a bowl of pretzels on the coffee table and winked at Shay.

Once she left and went back to the kitchen counter to chop vegetables, Shay relaxed but Tyler still looked terrified. He was waiting for a text that felt like life or death. Every second felt like eons. 

Luckily they didn’t have to wait long, “There’s the three dots. He’s going to reply.”

Shay could feel his anxiety as he stared at the phone like a ticking bomb. She didn’t know what he had texted Carter in the first place. Her presence there was less as an actual advisor and more like silent moral support.

“Mom, is Ryan home?” Tyler spoke up, she shook her head and continued chopping peppers at the kitchen counter, “Ok great.”

Tyler nodded to Shay and they walked into his bedroom. She sat down on Tyler’s bottom bunk and he paced the room as he stared at his phone. It was now ringing, a video call. 

The ringing stopped, “Hey,” Tyler smiled, all his anxiety seemed to disappear, and he seemed happy. 

Shay felt as though she should forgive him for assuming the worst in Carter. Anyone who could get that reaction out of Tyler couldn’t be as evil as she had wanted to believe originally. She didn’t apologize. Instead, she watched Tyler talk and pace. Then he sat down next to her on the bed. 

Shay saw Carter’s face and she then looked at her own face in the corner of the screen. They both looked terrified, “Hey Carter, it’s Shay.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm glad to have finally finished this and I hope you, reader, are glad to finish it too. I might make a sequel in the future, but no promises. Thank you so much for reading all of this. Thank you for your comments, kudos, and subscriptions! This is the first multichapter fic I've finished in three years and one of only two multichapter complete fics I'm actually proud of how I finished. Thank you again for reading what started off with me just loving the song Boys Will Be Bugs.


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